October 2023
You decided on a whim to sign up for a cooking class because the focal dish looks amazing. It kicks off with ingredient prep, and you notice that those around you seem much more confident in their chopping skills than you are. The class is moving quickly, and you start panicking that your mise en place is not in place! As you fall behind, the chef encourages you to “look on with a neighbor” which doesn’t help as you still feel clueless. Just as you lose your place completely, the chef smiles at the room and asks, “Now, how easy was that?” When everyone else’s dishes go into the oven, and a break is announced, you seriously consider bolting for the door.
Some words lift people up. Others deflate. Words have power, and we can’t always predict how they will land. Our intention may differ from our impact. As mentors, we should bear in mind:
“Encouraging” words can unintentionally deflate.
From the informal hallway chat to the more formal scheduled appointment, mentoring situations often prompt us to share stories. And while the intention is to help, that isn’t always the way it turns out. A story of excellence intended to inspire can actually deflate the listener. They may feel inadequate in their capacity to reach similar heights when they hear about exceptional accomplishments.
Story sharing is more complex than we may think, and research in this domain offers clear advice. While all stories should be authentic to the speaker, a “success story” told without further context can seem unattainable and may alienate the listener. In contrast, a story that includes how the mentor worked to overcome hurdles while achieving that success is more relatable – and yes, inspirational. Sharing relevant details can mean the listener is more likely to find the story compelling and the task ahead of them more possible. With a well-crafted story, the mentee is more likely to take action. Effective mentors recognize that they have a choice for which stories to share and how to craft them.
In our partnership with Microsoft, sharing stories was a central strategy used to open the mentoring space with their cohorts of college student mentees. Mentors led off sessions by sharing stories, often in response to one of the three-minute videos we created; then they invited each participant to reflect and respond as a strategy for the group to connect to one another. The program was structured with a co-mentoring model, where two mentors worked together to support a group of mentees, to intentionally broaden the perspectives coming into the space. We encouraged mentors to use each other as a sounding board and to craft stories that are:
- Relevant and attainable
- Authentic and true for the mentor
- Aligned with desired impact
By selecting a story that is relevant to the listener, not just one that is memorable or fun to tell, we hope to leave the mentee in a better place than where they started. We might notice an opportunity to highlight a strategy that helps them move forward. This could mean choosing to share and craft a different story for this particular mentee at this particular moment in time.
Selected strategies: share stories that empower
💡 Pause before sharing.
Ask yourself: Why am I telling this story right now? Do I need to share a story here? Remember It’s more than ok to listen and hold space for your mentee.
Upon hearing a mentee share their frustration with their manager, you may be tempted to tell a story that bashes your manager too. You might pause before sharing to ask yourself: what does this mentee actually need from me right now? They might need you to simply listen and show that you heard them. “Thank you for sharing that. That sounds difficult for you, and I can see why you were frustrated.”
💡 Recognize that you have a choice of what story to tell.
Being authentic is crucial – never tell a story that isn’t true for you. You have many stories to choose from, and you also can rely on your network to broaden your story “repository.”
Maybe public speaking, comfortable for you, is challenging your mentee. Hoping to inspire, you could be tempted to share an anecdote where you delivered a great talk easily. Instead, choose a more attainable story: “Public speaking for you seems a lot like networking for me. Just the term makes me start sweating. I was so overwhelmed before my first networking event that a colleague offered to sit down with me. They asked me why I was attending, and having to explicitly state my goals made it feel a bit more do-able.”
💡 Focus on what your mentee may need at this moment.
Consider which tools or strategies your story will leave the mentee with. Don’t leave your mentee wondering why you are telling a story.
Let’s continue to craft the public speaking & networking story from above. As the mentor, you could add: “Would it help to talk through the goals you have for your upcoming talk?”
💡 Pause before sharing.
Ask yourself: Why am I telling this story right now? Do I need to share a story here? Remember It’s more than ok to listen and hold space for your mentee.
Upon hearing a mentee share their frustration with their manager, you may be tempted to tell a story that bashes your manager too. You might pause before sharing to ask yourself: what does this mentee actually need from me right now? They might need you to simply listen and show that you heard them. “Thank you for sharing that. That sounds difficult for you, and I can see why you were frustrated.”
💡 Recognize that you have a choice of what story to tell.
Being authentic is crucial – never tell a story that isn’t true for you. You have many stories to choose from, and you also can rely on your network to broaden your story “repository.”
Maybe public speaking, comfortable for you, is challenging your mentee. Hoping to inspire, you could be tempted to share an anecdote where you delivered a great talk easily. Instead, choose a more attainable story: “Public speaking for you seems a lot like networking for me. Just the term makes me start sweating. I was so overwhelmed before my first networking event that a colleague offered to sit down with me. They asked me why I was attending, and having to explicitly state my goals made it feel a bit more do-able.”
💡 Focus on what your mentee may need at this moment.
Consider which tools or strategies your story will leave the mentee with. Don’t leave your mentee wondering why you are telling a story.
Let’s continue to craft the public speaking & networking story from above. As the mentor, you could add: “Would it help to talk through the goals you have for your upcoming talk?”
About this mentor thread
This is the second blog post in our thread about intention vs. impact. The series will prompt you to pause and reflect on your mentoring program to help bring your mentoring impact in closer alignment with your intent. Maybe you’ve just started one, or you’re thinking of starting one, or maybe you’re part of one already. Whatever your situation, our guess is that you’ve faced at least one of the pitfalls that we’ll be unpacking. Each post highlights research upon which we have built our own mentoring programs and will leave you with selected strategies to optimize your program’s value.
Last time… Do no harm: set mentors up for success
Our mentoring intent is not the same as our mentoring impact.
Up next… Time well-spent: stay on course
Intentional “anchor” activities can facilitate meaningful mentoring interactions.
References
Lockwood, P., & Kunda, Z. (1997). Superstars and me: Predicting the impact of role models on the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 91–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.1.91
Highlights the importance of feeling success is attainable. Role models do not always inspire, they can deflate; a role model inspires when they are perceived as relevant and shares a sense of attainability in success.
Hoyt, C. L. (2013). Inspirational or self-deflating: The role of self-efficacy in elite role model effectiveness. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(3), 290–298. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550612455066
Provides a nuanced analysis of how individuals evaluate role models. Those who are newcomers to a role, or possess less confidence in their abilities in a particular domain, may be less inspired – and even deflated – by very elite role models.
Stephens, N. M., Hamedani, M. G., & Destin, M. (2014). Closing the social-class achievement gap: A difference-education intervention improves first-generation students’ academic performance and all students’ college transition. Psychological Science, 25(4), 943-953. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797613518349
When returning students shared help-seeking strategies with first-year students, the advice shared was more powerful when they shared the relevance of their own background, whether first-generation or continuing-generation. This helped the listeners to tune into the advice shared, and they are more apt to take action.
Saffran L, Hu S, Hinnant A, Scherer LD, Nagel SC (2020) Constructing and influencing perceived authenticity in science communication: Experimenting with narrative. PLoS ONE, 15(1): e0226711. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0226711
Underscores the importance of (mentors) approaching communication with authenticity. This piece supports the notion that narratives can be crafted and still stay true to the speaker.